What To Do About Difficult People (2 of 2)

07/04/2025

What To Do About ‘Difficult People’ (part 2 of 2)

We All Know That Feeling

You know the feeling. That moment when a certain person speaks and – even if they’re not saying anything unreasonable – something in you just tightens.

The eye-twitch.
The urge to interrupt.
The internal monologue that kicks off before they’ve even finished their sentence.

You tell yourself to stay professional. You smile (sort of). But inside, you’re bracing. Again.

Whether you call them “challenging,” “high-maintenance,” or just “a lot” – we’ve all experienced a colleague, client or collaborator who gets under our skin. Sometimes it’s loud and obvious. Sometimes it’s low-level, background static. But either way, it takes up energy. And left unspoken, it starts to shape how we work, how we communicate, and how we feel.

In our last article (The Antidote to Difficult People), we unpacked the idea that “difficult people” are rarely the real problem. More often, it’s a relationship that feels difficult – and we’re not always sure why. Or what to do about it.

Well… this is the part where we look at what to do about it.

This piece is about moving from insight to action. From awkward avoidance to grounded, generous change. Whether you’re leading a team or just trying to survive another Monday without passive-aggressively slamming your laptop shut – there are better ways to handle tricky dynamics.

We’re not talking about scripts or silver bullets. This is about building the confidence and curiosity to approach tough relationships with more skill, self-awareness and emotional range.

Sound like something you’re ready for? Let’s get into it.

 

First – Let’s Be Honest: This is Emotional Work

Before we throw around tools and techniques, let’s name the thing:

This is not just behavioural work. This is emotional work.

Because when someone gets under your skin, it’s not just about logistics or communication styles – it’s about what’s happening inside you. The tension, the irritation, the defensiveness, the shame. That strange cocktail of thoughts and feelings that shows up in your body before your brain even catches up.

It’s personal – even when it’s not meant to be.

And the temptation? To brush past that. To go straight to the toolkit. To stay up in our heads, rationalising and strategising while quietly ignoring the elephant-shaped feeling in the room.

But here’s the thing: the people who navigate challenging dynamics well aren’t the ones who’ve got the perfect scripts or the most bulletproof boundaries. They’re the ones who’ve built a little more emotional range. They’ve learned to sit with the discomfort for just long enough to ask,

“What’s this really about?”

They make space for reflection, not just reaction.
They know that being emotionally intelligent doesn’t mean having all the answers – it means being willing to notice, name and explore what’s actually going on.

This isn’t always easy. But it is learnable.
And it starts with giving yourself a break.

So, before you try to “fix” the difficult dynamic, try this instead:

Take a breath. Acknowledge the emotion. And remind yourself:

“If I’m feeling this, there’s probably something worth understanding.”

From here, we build.

 

A Note on Neurodivergence (That Matters More Than You Think)

Before we move on – a quick, crucial pause.

Not all challenging dynamics are just about clashing communication styles or unspoken expectations. Sometimes, what we’re experiencing is a neurological difference – one we may not see or fully understand.

Neurodivergence shows up in many forms – autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, sensory processing differences (to name just a few). And when it does, it can affect things like:

• Social cues and responsiveness 
• Communication tone and clarity 
• Focus and task-switching 
• Emotional regulation 
• Sensory thresholds (noise, light, interruption) 

The challenge? These things often get misread.
A person masking their overwhelm might be seen as cold.
A colleague going off-script mid-meeting might be labelled disruptive.
Someone needing clarity might be dismissed as controlling.

And so the label “difficult” gets applied to what is, in fact, difference.

That’s why curiosity matters so much. Because the moment we ask,

“What might I not be seeing here?”  we make space for understanding instead of assumption.

We’re not saying tiptoe. We’re saying notice. Name your own responses gently. And wherever possible, create environments where everyone’s wiring is respected – not flattened to fit.

At Lead Happy, we don’t run neurodiversity workshops in a box. But we do help teams understand each other more deeply – including the bits that are wired differently.

It’s not about special treatment. It’s about fair understanding.

And that starts with seeing that behaviour is a form of communication – even when it doesn’t look how we expect.

 

Step 1 – Reflect Before You React

In any strained relationship, the instinct is to do something.
Say something. Avoid them. Vent to someone else. Send the email. Rewrite the email. Delete the email.

But the most powerful first move you can make?
Don’t react. Reflect.

We’re not talking about bottling it up. We’re talking about interrupting the autopilot.

Because when someone activates something in us – annoyance, anxiety, sharpness, shutdown – it’s easy to assume they caused it. But often, they’ve just touched a nerve that was already there.

So before you respond, try this:

 

Mini Exercise: The 5-Minute Personal Scan

Find a quiet moment. Take a pen, or just your thoughts, and ask yourself:

• What exactly happened that triggered me? 
• What feeling came up in that moment? (Be specific: irritated, dismissed, insecure, patronised…) 
• What story did my brain attach to that feeling? 
• Have I felt this way in other relationships before? 
• Is this about the person – or about how I experience the person? 

You don’t need perfect answers. The power is in the noticing.

Even this small act of reflection can lower the emotional temperature and help you respond with more choice, not just more noise.

 

⚠️ Common Pitfall to Avoid: “But I’m Right”

Let’s be honest – sometimes we don’t want to reflect. We just want to be right. We want the internal jury to declare: “Yes! They are the problem!”

That’s okay. That’s human. But it doesn’t get us very far.

Reflection isn’t about giving up your perspective – it’s about expanding it.
So you can move forward with clarity, not just confirmation.

 

And here’s the real secret: every strong, high-trust, high-performing team we’ve worked with has people in it who don’t always get along. The difference? They’ve built the habit of reflection into their culture.

They pause. They scan. They choose how they show up.

You can, too.

 

Step 2 – Look for the Pattern, Not the Personality

Once you’ve hit pause and reflected, it’s time to zoom out a little.

Because one of the sneakiest traps in tricky relationships is this:

We make it personal.

“They’re just a control freak.”
“She never listens.”
“He’s always undermining me.”

And maybe those things feel true. But the real insight often lives a layer beneath the behaviour. Because people don’t show up in a vacuum. They show up in systems. And systems run on patterns.

What if the problem isn’t who they are…
But how the two of you are interacting?

 

Relationship Patterns Are Repeating Patterns

Here’s something we see all the time in our work with teams:
The same person can be “difficult” to one colleague, and totally fine to another.

That’s not about personality. That’s about pattern.

Here are some common clashing dynamics we see – disguised as personality problems:

The Clash	What Might Be Happening
“They’re so full-on”	You value calm, they thrive on urgency
“They won’t speak up”	You process out loud, they think before talking
“They change direction constantly”	You prefer certainty, they need creative freedom
“They over-explain everything”	You value autonomy, they fear being misunderstood

No one’s wrong here. But without naming the mismatch, the story quickly becomes about who’s too much or who’s not enough.

 

Try This: Spot the Storyline

Take that person you’re struggling with. Ask yourself:

• What’s the role I feel I’m stuck playing with them? (e.g. the fixer, the one left out, the peacekeeper) 
• What role do I see them playing? 
• Have I played this script before, in another job… another team… maybe even outside of work? 

The moment you spot the pattern, you get leverage.
Because it’s a lot easier to change a dynamic than it is to change a person.

This isn’t about diagnosing people. It’s about seeing the system you’re in, and getting curious about what role you might be unconsciously playing.

Because you can’t change someone else’s personality.
But you can rewrite the pattern.

 

Step 3 – Rehearse a Braver Conversation

Okay. You’ve reflected. You’ve spotted the pattern. And you’re feeling bold enough to do something wild and courageous:

Actually talk about it.

• Not to your mate over a flat white.
• Not to your group chat.
• To the actual human in question.

Breathe.

This is the bit where most of us start sweating slightly. Because the idea of naming tension – especially with someone we find difficult – can feel like a social tightrope. What if they get defensive? What if it makes things worse? What if they think I’m being too much?

The truth is that the best relationships are not the ones without tension. They’re the ones where people have found ways to talk through it.

And you don’t have to storm in with a TED Talk and a diagram. You just have to start small, and start honestly.

 

Try This: Conversation Openers That Lower the Temperature

If you’re ready to open a dialogue, use gentle language that makes space for both of you.

Here are some ideas:

• “Can I check something with you? I feel like sometimes we get a bit out of sync, and I’d really like us to feel more aligned.” 
• “I’ve noticed I sometimes shut down in our conversations – I think I’m not sure how to land my thoughts. Could we talk about how we work together?” 
• “There’s been a weird energy between us lately, and I don’t want to leave it hanging. Can we have a quick chat?” 

These openers work because they:

• Use “I” language (no finger-pointing) 
• Express intent (I want this to go well) 
• Invite a shared exploration (not a one-sided accusation) 

 

Tips for the Conversation Itself

• Pick your moment. Don’t drop this mid-meeting or while someone’s microwaving leftover curry. 
• Keep it specific. Focus on one behaviour or moment, not a personality type. 
• Be open to surprise. They might not know how you feel. Or they might feel it too, and not know how to say it. 
• Aim for understanding, not resolution. It’s okay if you don’t tie everything in a bow. Starting the conversation is progress. 

 

And If It Doesn’t Go Well?

It might not land perfectly. That’s okay.

You’ve still modelled bravery. You’ve still taken a step. You’ve shown that relationships matter enough to explore, not avoid.

Sometimes, that alone starts a new pattern.

 

Step 4 – Talk About Team Dynamics Early and Often

By now, you might be thinking:

“Okay, this makes sense for one relationship. But what about the whole team dynamic?”

Excellent question.

Because most teams don’t break down over big dramatic conflicts.
They drift, fray and disconnect through tiny misalignments, never named.

• Feedback never given. 
• Frustration swept under the carpet. 
• Tensions left to “just pass.” 
• Behaviour normalised, that doesn’t feel good. 

Which is why the teams that actually thrive – the ones where people feel safe, energised and able to stretch – don’t just focus on what they’re doing. They regularly check in on how they’re doing it.

In other words: they talk about team dynamics early, often, and without shame.

 

Make It Normal, Not Awkward

Here are some simple ways to start making this part of your team culture:

1. Start-of-Project Agreements

Before you jump into a shared task, ask:

• What do we all need to do our best work? 
• How do we like to communicate under pressure? 
• What’s one thing that helps you feel heard? 

It sets a tone of psychological safety before the crunch hits.

2. Team Retrospectives (That Go Beyond Deliverables)

Regularly ask:

• What’s working well in how we’re working together? 
• What’s felt clunky or unclear lately? 
• Is there anything we’re not saying that might help us move better as a team? 

3. ‘Ways of Working’ Reboot

Block out time every few months to look at your team norms:

• Do our meetings work for everyone? 
• How do we handle disagreement? 
• Are we having enough fun? 

This isn’t fluff. This is alignment.
Because when you create the conditions for honest dialogue, a lot of “difficult” behaviour fades on its own as perspectives shift because understanding has been cultivated.

 

And if you’re a leader?

Model it. Own your part. Make it safe for others to say,

“I’m struggling with this dynamic – can we take a beat?”

That one sentence can unlock a team that moves faster, thinks clearer, and trusts deeper.

 

Step 5 – Keep the Focus on the System, Not the ‘Problem Person’

Every team has its characters. The overtalker. The resister. The one who always has a better idea.
It’s easy – and tempting – to make them the story.

The reality though, is that people don’t operate in isolation. They operate in systems.

So before you label someone as the “difficult one,” ask:

What kind of system might be enabling or amplifying this behaviour?

Sometimes, what looks like a personality problem is actually a structural one:

• Is the team unclear on decision-making, so the loudest voice fills the gap? 
• Has feedback been avoided for so long that tension now bubbles over? 
• Are people overcompensating for silence or underperformance elsewhere? 
• Has a lack of shared expectations created room for friction? 

These aren’t excuses – they’re context.

And context changes everything.

 

Shift the Lens: From Who to What

Next time conflict or tension arises, try reframing your thinking:

Instead of asking…	Try asking…
“Why is she always like this?”	“What’s making this dynamic so reactive?”
“Why can’t he just do his job?”	“Where are the expectations unclear?”
“Why do they keep clashing?”	“What’s missing in how we collaborate here?”

These questions move you from blame to design.
From defensiveness to possibility.

 

Leaders, Take Note:

If you’re in a leadership role, your job isn’t to mediate every conflict – it’s to notice the patterns, and adjust the system around them.

That might mean:

• Clarifying team roles and rhythms 
• Naming unspoken tensions out loud (with care) 
• Creating space for realignment, not just more doing 

Because a well-designed team system doesn’t prevent every issue – but it catches and contains them early, before they erode trust.

 

The Courage to Keep Showing Up

If you’ve made it this far, here’s what we want to say:

You’re already doing the work.

Not because you’ve cracked every conflict. Not because you’ve perfected your communication. But because you’re here – choosing reflection over reactivity, and curiosity over conclusion.

That matters.

Navigating tricky relationships – at work or anywhere – isn’t about mastering a single skill. It’s about building emotional range, one moment at a time. Choosing to pause before reacting. Choosing to ask, “What’s going on here?” rather than “What’s wrong with them?”

And then doing it again. And again. And again.

That’s not always easy. But it’s powerful.

It’s what grows trust. It’s what transforms teams. It’s what makes space for the kind of working relationships where people feel seen, heard and human.

So no – you won’t get it right every time, you’ll still label and you’ll still avoid the awkward conversation sometimes.

But now, you’ll know that another way is possible.

You’ll know how to start shifting the pattern – from blame to awareness, from assumption to understanding.

And that’s how cultures change.
Not through dramatic interventions, but through ordinary courage, practiced consistently.

You don’t have to fix the relationship overnight.
You just have to keep showing up to it.

 

💬 Want help building a culture where curiosity leads and conflict doesn’t fester?

Let’s talk. This is what we do. And we’d love to help your team do it too – with bravery, and humanity.

Arrange a discovery session today:  https://hello.leadhappy.co.uk/welcome