The Antidote to ‘Difficult People’ (1 of 2)

04/04/2025

The Antidote to ‘Difficult People’

Introduction

It starts innocently enough.

Before a Lead Happy Team experience, we ask people to tell us a little about their working world. What’s going well? What’s getting in the way? What would you change if you could wave a magic wand… And, without fail – somewhere in the feedback – a version of this shows up:

“There are a couple of… tricky personalities.”
“Some people make collaboration harder than it needs to be.”
“We just don’t all get along.”

There are a host of variations on this theme, expressing the same sentiment. But the message is the same: 

There are difficult people in the room.

We get it. It’s a phrase many of us reach for. It helps make sense of tension or awkwardness without having to do a deep dive into team psychology before the first coffee of the day. But what if the phrase “difficult people” – one we’ve probably all used at some point – is a bit of a red herring?

What if it’s not really about the people at all?

What if “they’re difficult” is actually code for:

“I find this relationship challenging, and I’m not sure why.”

(Spoiler alert – there is no ‘what if’ about it. It’s totally that)

Now that’s something we can work with.

In this article, we’re exploring the deeper story behind why we label people as difficult – and what we can do when that happens. We’ll look at the role of difference (as opposed to deficiency), the emotional signals we often overlook, and how a little curiosity can transform the way we work, relate and lead.

Whether you’re a seasoned manager, part of a high-functioning team, or just trying not to roll your eyes in your next meeting – there’s something here for you.

The Truth About ‘Difficult People’

“I’m difficult. I’m too structured, I’m completely closed off.” …So proclaims Meg Ryan’s Sally Albright in Nora Ephron’s classic, When Harry Met Sally when she realises her ex is getting married.

The thing is, “difficult people” aren’t a species.

They don’t arrive late to meetings with a tiny storm cloud over their heads and a mission to ruin your day. Most of the time, they’re just people being… well, people. Doing their best with the experiences, values, pressures and patterns they carry.

So when we say someone’s “difficult,” what do we really mean?

Often, we’re naming a feeling, not a fact. Something about that person triggers something in us – frustration, discomfort, defensiveness, even a bit of fear. And because it’s awkward to say “I feel activated and uncertain in this dynamic,” we reach for a shortcut. We call them the problem.

But that feeling is gold dust. It’s a clue. Because more often than not, “difficult” is just another word for “different.”

Different ways of working. Different energy. Different needs. Different styles of communication. Different expectations of what “good” looks like.

It might be the colleague who dives straight into tasks without small talk – and you feel ignored.
Or the one who overcommunicates every detail – and you feel micromanaged.
Or the leader who gives you total freedom – and you feel lost at sea.

Most of the time, no one’s trying to be difficult. But something is colliding.

During a Team Experience we worked on last year we heard the usual mix of team pride, affection – and friction.
One quote however,  stuck with us:

“Some people just don’t see the world the same way. We clash and it’s hard to recover from.”

That moment of honesty is exactly where real team transformation begins. Because it’s not about fixing “them.” It’s about noticing what difference is doing inside the space between us – and choosing to understand it.

 

Why We All Do It – And That’s Okay

Let’s take a breath here. Because if you’ve ever mentally labelled someone as difficult – congrats, you’re human.

We all do it. Especially when we’re tired, stretched, or under pressure to perform in a world that seems to  stop for tea and feelings less and less.

Labelling can be a kind of shortcut – a psychological post-it note that helps us navigate uncertainty or friction. “That person is difficult” simplifies a complex dynamic into something more manageable. It gives us a reason to retreat, or brace ourselves, or stop trying.

But here’s the trouble with that shortcut: it usually takes us further away from the truth.
And worse, it limits the chance of repair.

At Lead Happy, we believe in meeting people – and ourselves – with both honesty and compassion. That means recognising when our brains are doing what brains do: protecting us, filtering, categorising, trying to keep things neat. It also means not judging ourselves for having these reactions. You’re not a bad team player if someone occasionally winds you up.

You’re human.

The key is what we do next.

This is where two of our core values come into play:
Be human – honour your response, own it without shame.
Think bravely – choose to look beyond the label, and get curious instead.

The goal isn’t to stop reacting altogether – it’s to notice our reactions and ask what they might be trying to tell us. About our own boundaries, values, blind spots, or expectations. That’s where growth happens.

And let’s be honest – most of us are just a poorly-timed email away from being someone else’s “difficult person.”

 

Curiosity as the Antidote

Here’s a wild idea: What if the next time you think,

“Wow… they’re a lot,”
you followed it with,
“I wonder what’s really going on here?”

That’s the move. That’s the shift.

Curiosity is the antidote to judgement.

It turns “they’re the problem” into “there’s something here I don’t yet understand.”
It softens the edge. It creates space. And it gives us back our agency.

Because when we’re curious, we’re not stuck. We’re exploring.

Curiosity asks:

• What is this person showing me that I find hard to handle?
• Is this about them, or about how they’re showing up for me?
• Could this be a clash of communication styles, not values?
• Might they be feeling unheard, under pressure, out of sync?

While it doesn’t mean excusing poor behaviour, it does mean interrogating our interpretation of it. Because very few people wake up and think,

“Today, I’m going to be a nightmare. Let’s do this.”

So, where do we begin?

Shameless plug: our recent article on what your WhatsApp chats say about your relationships offers a surprisingly powerful tool to start noticing your own patterns. Who do you give quickfire emojis to? Who gets the long, crafted messages? Who sits unread for hours? Our communication style tells a story – and it starts with us.

Curiosity doesn’t mean overanalysing every feeling. It just means swapping reaction for reflection.

Even asking, “What’s my part in this?” can feel radical. But it’s the start of seeing the whole picture – not just our corner of it.

 

How to Understand the ‘Why’ Behind a Relationship Strain

So, you’ve clocked the tension. You’ve swapped judgement for curiosity. Now what?

Now we slow it down and start decoding.

Understanding why a particular relationship feels strained isn’t about fixing everything overnight. It’s about developing emotional fluency – the ability to read what’s going on beneath the surface, in ourselves and others.

Here are some starting points:

 

1. Notice Your Signals

Before you analyse the relationship, tune in to your own system. Ask yourself:

• Who do I feel myself bracing around?
• When do I find myself rehearsing conversations in my head?
• Who makes me feel smaller, sharper, or just plain flat?

Our bodies often know before our brains do. And these signals aren’t warnings about other people – they’re invitations to explore something deeper.

 

2. Reflect, Don’t Ruminate

Once you’ve identified the relationship, resist the urge to spiral. Instead, reflect with intention. Try these prompts:

• What specifically bothers me about how this person shows up?
• When have I felt this dynamic before? (School, family, past jobs?)
• What am I making their behaviour mean about me?

The aim here isn’t to solve or blame – it’s to see the patterns we might be bringing with us.

 

3. Clarify the Clash

Sometimes it helps to name the type of difference in play:

Tension Point	What Might Be Happening
You want clarity, they move fast	A pace mismatch, not a personal slight
You prefer harmony, they love debate	A difference in comfort with conflict
You value detail, they see big picture	A preference clash, not a values war

 

This isn’t about putting people in boxes. It’s about understanding which parts of the relationship need more air and intention.  Once you can start to ident

 

4. Start a Braver Conversation

Once you’ve done the internal work, you may want to move toward the person themselves. Not every relationship calls for a sit-down – but when it does, approach with openness:

• Use “I” language and talk about observations not accusations: “I’ve noticed I sometimes feel shut down in our conversations – can we talk about how we work together?”
• Be specific, not dramatic replacing “you always” with “in x scenario, I’ve noticed I feel”
• Aim for insight and understanding, not agreement

Sometimes the biggest breakthrough comes not from changing the relationship, but from changing the way we see it.

This kind of reflection might feel soft – but it’s anything but. It’s deep work. Brave work. And the teams that thrive long-term are the ones where individuals take responsibility for their side of the dynamic.

Now let’s zoom out, because this stuff isn’t just a work thing.

 

So, What Happens When We Stop Labelling and Start Listening?

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a loop of “Why are they like that?”, you’re not alone. If you’re here, reading this – curious, open, maybe a little uncomfortable – you’re already doing something about it.

That’s the work.

When we swap judgement for curiosity, and labels for questions, we don’t get an enemy. We get a window. A signal. A chance.

And if you’re wondering, “Okay… so what do I do with that chance?” That’s exactly what we’ll explore in the next article.

🡒 Next up: [What To Do When You Find Someone Difficult (And You Want to Handle It Well)]