30/01/2025

How Our Early Years Shape Our Emotional Intelligence

The Seeds of Emotional Intelligence

What makes someone a great leader, colleague, partner, friend? 

We often think of confidence, decision-making, and communication as key skills. But beneath all of these lies a fundamental ability: emotional intelligence (EI)—the skill of recognising, understanding, and managing our own emotions while also navigating the emotions of those around us.

Emotional intelligence isn’t something we acquire overnight. It begins forming in childhood, shaped by our interactions, experiences, and the tools we are given to express ourselves. If we grow up in an environment where emotions are encouraged, named, and talked about, we develop a strong ability to process them. But if emotions are dismissed, ignored, or simply handed over to a toy to “take away”, we may struggle with emotional suppression, avoidance, or even outbursts in adulthood.

One well-intentioned but potentially problematic tool used with children is the Worry Monster—a cuddly creature designed to ‘eat’ children’s worries (currently on offer in the ‘Middle Aisle’ of a well known supermarket brand, which is what spurred me to write this). The idea is simple: write down your worry, place it in the monster’s mouth, and the worry disappears. While this might seem like a helpful coping mechanism, it raises an important question:

Do we tend towards encouraging children to process emotions, or to remove them from sight?

Let’s look at how early emotional habits shape us, how emotional avoidance carries into adulthood, and how we can shift towards a healthier, more emotionally intelligent way of thinking—for both children and ourselves.

 

The Role of Childhood in Emotional Development

How Do We Learn Emotional Intelligence?

From a young age, children begin to absorb how emotions are handled from those around them. If they see adults openly discussing and managing their feelings, they will likely do the same. If they grow up in an environment where emotions are dismissed, ignored, or labelled as ‘too much’, they will learn to suppress them.

Common but harmful messages children often receive about emotions:

• “You’re fine—stop crying.” (Minimising emotions rather than acknowledging them.)
• “Don’t be silly, there’s nothing to worry about.” (Invalidating concerns instead of helping to process them.)
• “Just give it to the Worry Monster and forget about it.” (Encouraging externalisation without reflection.)

While tools like Worry Monsters can provide short-term relief, they should be used alongside conversations that help children develop self-awareness and expression. Otherwise, they may unintentionally:

• Reinforce the idea that worries should be ‘got rid of’ rather than explored.
• Reduce opportunities for children to develop vocabulary around their emotions.
• Create avoidance behaviours that carry into adulthood.

TRY THIS: Instead of immediately reassuring a child, try asking:
🗣️ “That sounds tough—can you tell me more about what’s worrying you?”
🗣️ “How does that feel in your body?”
🗣️ “What do you think would help you feel better?”

The goal isn’t just to remove the worry—it’s to help children understand, name, and navigate their emotions.

 

The Consequences of Emotional Avoidance in Adulthood

Fast forward to adulthood, and we see the long-term impact of emotional suppression. Many of us never learned how to articulate our emotions as children, so we continue to manage them in unhelpful ways.

What emotional avoidance looks like in adults:

• Struggling to ask for help – Feeling uncomfortable sharing vulnerability, leading to stress and burnout.
• Avoiding difficult conversations – Dodging conflict instead of addressing problems directly.
• Suppressing emotions until they explode – Keeping everything inside until frustration builds up into a full-blown meltdown.
• Feeling disconnected from others – Struggling to express emotions, leading to shallow relationships.

Example: Think about a manager who refuses to have a tough conversation with an underperforming team member because it feels ‘uncomfortable.’ They hope the issue will resolve itself, but instead, it festers, leading to frustration, resentment, and ultimately a bigger problem. This pattern often starts in childhood, when emotions were dismissed rather than discussed.

Pause & Reflect:
Think about a time when you held back from expressing how you truly felt.

• What stopped you from speaking up?
• How did it affect your relationships?
• What would have changed if you had expressed yourself differently?

Emotional intelligence isn’t about getting rid of emotions—it’s about understanding them so that they work for us rather than against us.

 

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters More Than Ever

We live in an era of uncertainty, change, and constant information overload. Whether we are leading a team, navigating friendships, or managing stress, those with high emotional intelligence tend to:

• Build stronger relationships
• Make better decisions under pressure
• Handle conflict with confidence
• Adapt to change with resilience

But here’s the most important part—emotional intelligence is not fixed. It can be developed at any age.  For this author at least, that was a revelation!

TRY THIS:
At the end of each day, ask yourself:

What emotions did I experience today?

How did I respond to them?

Did I express myself openly, or did I hold something back?

The more we reflect, the more we strengthen our ability to manage emotions effectively.

 

A Better Way: Encouraging Emotional Growth from a Young Age

Instead of simply ‘removing’ emotions, we need to teach children (and ourselves!) to explore, name, and discuss them.

• Storytelling & Role-Playing – Helps children express emotions safely.
• Emotion Journals – Encourages ongoing reflection rather than one-time suppression.
• Drawing or Art Therapy – Allows children to explore emotions creatively.
• Emotion Wheels – Helps children identify what they’re feeling with visual aids.

Conversation is the key. When children feel heard, they develop confidence in expressing emotions, setting the foundation for lifelong emotional intelligence.

 

The Lead Happy Approach: Leading with Emotional Intelligence

At Lead Happy, we believe that emotional intelligence isn’t just a ‘nice-to-have’—it’s the foundation of authentic leadership. The best leaders are not those who avoid emotions but those who:

 

• Understand their own emotional patterns.
• Create environments where open conversations are the norm.
• See emotions as data, not distractions.

TRY THIS:
Next time you feel yourself dismissing an emotion (yours or someone else’s), pause and ask:

 

• What is this feeling trying to tell me?
• How can I express it constructively?

By shifting from suppression to awareness, we take control of our emotions instead of letting them control us.

 

Rewriting the Narrative

The way we process emotions as children shapes how we handle them in adulthood. While tools like Worry Monsters may offer short-term comfort, they should never replace open dialogue.

Whether you’re raising children, leading a team, or working on your own self-growth, the goal remains the same:
To create an environment where emotions are acknowledged, understood, and worked through—not hidden away in a monster’s mouth.

Emotional intelligence isn’t something we’re born with—it’s something we build. And the best time to start? Right now.

 

Lead Happy Personal Exploration: Elevating Your Emotional Intelligence

At Lead Happy, we offer a Personal Exploration programme designed to help you delve into your emotional intelligence, supporting both personal and professional growth. This journey is anchored in a robust assessment tool that provides insightful data on your emotional competencies.

 

Benefits of the Personal Exploration:

• Enhanced Self-Awareness: Gain a deeper understanding of your emotional triggers and responses, enabling more mindful decision-making.
• Improved Self-Management: Learn techniques to regulate your emotions effectively, maintaining composure and resilience under pressure.
• Elevated Social Awareness: Develop the ability to accurately perceive and interpret the emotions of others, fostering empathy and stronger relationships.
• Strengthened Relationship Management: Acquire skills to navigate social complexities, manage conflicts adeptly, and inspire and influence those around you.

By embarking on the Lead Happy Personal Exploration, you’re not just assessing your emotional intelligence—you’re committing to a transformative process that empowers you to lead with authenticity, connect with others more profoundly, and thrive in both personal and professional arenas.

You can find out more about Lead Happy Personal Exploration here.

READ ARTICLE: Beyond the Boxes: Personal Exploration is the foundation of Brilliant Leadership